I have not been able to face writing for a bit. Usually it is therapeutic for me but for some reason when I stared at this white space my heart would not allow those thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head to jump on to that space.
It began as I watched my father in law fail before my eyes. He suffered from Alzheimer's and as many of you who have experienced this terrible disease know it is heartbreaking. Many of his final days were such reminders of taking care of my daughter that now I find myself full of vivid memories and dark moments. Many of him but most of my daughter.
For the last three years I have dealt with many feelings by making myself stay busy at all times. Busy with the grandchildren, busy with the family, the chickens, cleaning, cooking, gardening, working....well anything really. Since her death I had not been able to listen to much music. It is just now that I am making myself try to play the piano again, listen to music on my little iPod shuffle while exercising and listening to the radio in the car. It brings on emotions that I am trying to stay away from. There are days when I now listen that it feels like just one step away from sinking into dark despair.
But to face some of these feelings I was told is the way to a brighter outcome. I know as I remember Kyla, I do now remember how she looked before she was so ill. I do now remember her huge laugh that was so contagious. I do now remember her love of life and her daughters. I do now remember her love of Martha Stewart, decorating, trying new recipes, gardening, history, her sisters and brother and how fiercely protective she felt about all of her family.
Several years ago the farmer bought me an Angel's Trumpet for the deck. I fell in love with this beautiful plant and needed to have one on my deck each summer. I have not had one for the past two years. There are things that are painful reminders of my daughters last days and this is one of them.
Kyla and I used to sit on the in the swing on the deck on the days she would let me take her outside. I had a huge Angel's Trumpet which would open up after the day had cooled off and close around noon the next day when the heat would threaten to wilt the beautiful flowers. One day Kyla walked over to the plant and began to pull all the closed flowers off and drop them on the deck. My first reaction was to stop her as I watched all of the flowers drop. When I saw her I asked what she was doing she said "I'm just helping you mom".
Of course she meant that she was dead heading the flowers to keep them blooming. So even though this would not have helped this particular plant and that wicked disease had destroyed her ability to think clearly there were still little glimmers of things that she knew were right. In her mind she was helping me to keep those blooms alive.
A foolish little plant. Yes. A painful reminder. Yes. Necessary for me. Yes.